Mother's Guilt

Its real. Mother's guilt. 

When I was having Cathelyn, I thought everything will still be the same. Let husband carry the young one and I'll give the elder one the same level of attention as before. Well, it didn't happen. I forgot that the younger one also has a mind of her own, even though she just came to this world. Both needed mummy. 

One day, during dinner time, Cathelyn was being cranky. She wants to join us at the dinner table too. I held her with my left and ate dinner with the other. After the majority is done with dinner, Cathelyn was passed off to someone so I could finish my dinner, which happened to be chilli crab! Something that had to be eaten with both hands. While I was eating, Valerie came. She said stretching her hands in front of her: "Mummy is not carrying Cathelyn, so can Bao Bao me". This immediately brought tears to my eyes. I had been carrying Cathelyn so much that I forgot this is a great change for Valerie. The arrival of Cathelyn, the divided attention from parents. Its a great deal for her yet she is also so sensible. She didn't demand for me to carry her when I'm carrying the little one. She settled for second best option - to be carried by daddy. 

One night, Cathelyn kept crying even when carried by my husband. I couldn't bear to hear her cry and had went to carry her. Her cry soften to a muffle. It was bed time for Valerie. I used to hug and pat her to sleep. That night, she wanted to do the same, but I couldn't hug both kids. In the end, she had to compromise and fall asleep on her own. It finally dawned on me that I can never treat Valerie the same way though I still love her the same. 

Mother's guilt sets in. The belief that we can do the same when life has radically changed caused it. I've came to realise that to get past this, I have to let go and accept that life is different and that I have to adapt, I can never give Valerie all of me. Valerie did so well in accepting the disruption this little one has done to her life. I too, have to learn that things are never the same. 

My husband says, I need to focus on the good. I've brought Valerie a lifelong companion and Valerie will be thankful in the future that she has shared my attention with her sister. 

I'm still working on focusing the good and understanding this new interaction between us 3. It's work in progress but I hope it will come to an end soon. 

Review on Zuo Yue Food

It all happened as my father in law was going for surgery in July and we anticipated that my mother in law would need to care for him hence a confinement lady is required. However, due to COVID-travel restrictions, we were unable to get one that's recommended. That's when I started to toy around the idea of confinement tingkat. 

 I chanced upon Zou Yue Food (ZYF) with that in mind and was happy with some of the reviews on their FB and IG. I didn’t want to go with the mainstream tingkat service such as Thomson Medical though these had good reviews too. 

In any case, I reached out to ZYF and checked out their website. They offer sample meals for those who wish to try. I didnt pick that option as I had already made up my mind. When I was chatting with their representative, they sent me awhatsapp groupbuy link. Apparently if they hit a certain number of subscribers for that month-it was 40 for mine, discounts and free gifts will be given. For the groupbuy Aug, I was given 15% discount for my package. The groupbuy month should be the month of the EDD. However, if delivery gets delayed and stretches to the next month, they will still honor the discount. Payment has to be made in advance. I joined the group buy page in May and paid for the package in Jun. Discount is only given to those who plan ahead! Anyway, their free gifts were a baby oil, $20 nutc voucher and a pack of lactation cookies. Not exactly awesome. I heard other confinement tingkat give stroller as free gift.

After delivery, I’ve given them 2 days notice of my probable package start date and confirmed again 1 day  before 9am. I’ve also requested for 生化汤 , a special soup to help with the removal of lochia.

My lunch was delivered as early as 10.30am and dinner at 4.30am. The food were kept in thermal bag and thermal flask. The meal consists of 1 bottle of red date tea, 1 soup, 1 veggie and 1 protein dish (fish or chicken or pork). The portion is just right for a lactating mom since we are able to eat more than usual. Definitely not for 2pax.

The food gets repeated after 5-6 days in different combinations. Carrots can be seen in every meal. I disliked their stir fry baby corn. There is a weird soup where they add in a sunny side up. They never offer green payaya soup which is said to promote breastmilk production though. 

Overall, their veggies can be a little soggy since it was cooked and delivered pretty early. Their delivery time could vary. I remember receiving one of my lunch at 1pm and dinner at 7pm. I spoke to their representative and they got that corrected. They even gave me 1 additional dish, salmon belly, at lunch to make up for the unhappy experience. Since then, my lunch was always delivered before 12pm and dinner before 6pm. Works for me as I rather receive them earlier. 

Individual dishes review:

Pork trotter vinegar - sweeter than usual. I was served 3x in a total of 56 meals. 

Salmon in cream sauce - one of my favourite dish, served 3x 

Cod fish - normal steamed version. Very small portion though

Mince meat patty - I like it better with tomato sauce. Some times they just fry it dry. Too dry for my liking

A few servings of chicken wings and drumlets - not much comments I guess. 

Soup's quality is much better than the dishes. 

Personally I like the experience of a confinement without a nanny. This means more time with the child and freedom to do what we think is right. Presence of nanny gives me unnecessary pressure. 

I'm glad that I've made the decision to do confinement without a nanny. :) 

卸货了

 终于，在怀孕40周终于顺利生产了！比起41周的姐姐，绮芸重一点3.2kg (姐姐3.1kg)。而且妹妹还是自然无工具帮忙的生产。姐姐那时应为脐带勒着脖子所以医生使用了kiwi cup 把她吸出来。姐姐那时也没能哭出来，几个医生插管，还被送去了加护病房。妹妹就不一样了。一切顺利，还可以躺在我的胸前，一起去了普通病房。两年前，我们待了3天才回家而这次，生产后的24小时就能回家了！真不可思议！

这次我们也大胆的尝试没请月嫂，自己做月。定了28天的坐月餐，请家婆帮忙接姐姐，吃饭后爸爸才把她接回家。爸爸本来请了3个星期的假帮我坐月，但是绮芸太乖了！我让爸爸把1星期的假给退了。反正爸爸在家工作，如果真有需要可以让他帮忙带带孩子。不碍事。

就这样28天过去了，妹妹也满月了！一切很顺利的过去了。现在只想早点恢复身材！

领悟

现在是12.49am, 已经不知道这习惯是何时养成的， 九点跟着绮恩睡了，半夜起床继续自己的个人时间。起床时第一个念头就是：“爸爸妈妈互相尽责，两个人为了孩子都在尽心尽力呢”。 想着就想把现在的想法写下来，将来老了可以回想起现在的感受，可以好好的感谢在我身边的他。 

已经有将近两年没写了。是太忙还是没想过呢？ 今天睡醒时，看见了爸爸已近把洗好的衣服晒了，干的收了起来。今天是他的生日， 逛了一整个下午(脚步数据显示13000步），他也喝了许多，想必一定也很累了， 但还是尽了爸爸跟老公的责任，还真感动呢。 感谢他每一天的支持。

是时候也报告一下自己的近况了。 现在体内有了第二个宝宝，23个星期了吧。宝宝慢慢的成长，每天都很活泼，可以准确的感受她在踢我。 绮恩也快两岁了，现在每天都很吵。不是要这个就是要那个。今天买了新玩具， 给她钓钓鱼。过了一会儿，我把鱼收了起来，她就嚎啕大哭。哭到喉咙都干了，还把一部分的晚餐吐了。小孩子，真不知道分寸。做个爸爸妈妈真不简单。

写着写着已经1.27am 了。 之后有空会多写写什么的。有个生活记录还是好的。 

晚安了！

说说话

原来我也是会想说说话的。最近越发觉得我的那个他不会跟我说话。每次的对话都是他怎么怎么的，而我永远都不会是主角。

今天过得不是很如意，想说说话但又没对象，于是决定在这儿跟自己聊天。

刚跟上级说了自己的日子很闲，没什么事干，想帮忙另一组的作业，看能不能增长自己的能力。上级不同意，觉得那里也不能学什么。盲目的忙碌，到最后也不能取功劳，跟本就是自讨苦吃。我不认为啊。。。每件事都有可取之处。正所谓，经一事，长一智，什么垃圾任务我都做啊。

可惜啦，我只能慢慢的在这里爬。明天就去同事的柜台看看有什么领悟吧。我要学做只蚯蚓，能屈能伸。呵呵。。。。

你

突然很冲动的想把这段话记录下。

什么是女人？女人是一种很奇妙的动物。她们明知道是深坑也一定要栽下去。　因为，你没尝试你就不会发觉其中的可能。　
如果他爱你的方式不是你要的，那你还会牢牢抓着这段感情吗？
他如果不能为你改变，那你呢？会改变吗？改变之后，你还是你吗？你还会爱你自己吗？
在一段感情里，人人都想做那个他爱你多过你爱他，但又有多少人有这个福气呢?　在爱的另一端，他是否也如此渴望？爱还能接下去吗？
最终你想要的爱情是什么？

渴望希望与失望

渴望，失望，孤独是我认为最可怕的感受。 你可以强颜欢笑但不可以隐藏心里的孤独，失落。 渴望是失望的燃烧点也是欢喜的交界处。 有了渴望就像走在钢丝上，钢丝慢慢的往上蔓延。 越是向前，兴奋与欢喜就越加倍。相对的当我们不甚跌落时，失望也会掩盖我们，让我们喘不过气. 最后只能慢慢的，渐渐的失去自我。 失望的代价远比最终得到的成就大太多。于是我便走向自我关闭的道路，不再有希望跟渴望。 但越是想逃避，人生越是想把你拉回啦。无奈，只能向前让渴望，期望，失望占据我的人生。

P.S 没期望，没渴望， 就不会失望

Discontentment

Do you feel blessed in this world? Do you feel that things always go against your wish? Are you happy with your life? Are you contented?

I am contented with my life. I am in a happy relationship, I have great parents, siblings whom sometimes makes me wanna kill myself yet they are also awesome in their ways; a job that pays the bills. To be honest, I love my life. Does being contented makes me want to stop improving?

Many believe that discontentment is the main driver for improvement. I, however, beg to differ. Well, it is obvious that if you feel discontented, there must be something that needs to be improved. However what follows closely with discontentment is unhappiness. I believe in being happy with every decision I make. However, one should never stop making themselves better. Unhappiness should  not be the only driver for improvement. One should never stop improving because you have no idea what your limits are. 

Be happy yet strive for the better. One day, you will be proud of what you've achieved in this life.